A Demented Hermit’s Guide To Eastering

Bantam chicken and rabbit If you happen to be interested in creating your own bunny to celebrate this Easter, Unravel and Unwind run a Keepsake Bears and Bunnies workshop that will guide you, step by step, in creating a cuddly companion of your very own. Easter is a confusing and tumultuous time of year dominated by the hasty buying of chocolate eggs, rabbits in windows and churches simultaneously cashing in on the festivities while also trying to point out that none of it is relevant to how we should celebrate it. So I thought I’d clear a few things up, I have after all had plenty of time to think things over from my woodland cave after all, and give you the definitive guide to eternally confusing subject of Easter.

It all started 870 years in the future when Mexican physicist and five-time Nobel Prize winner, Jesus Hernandez Christos accidentally shot himself back in time nearly 2000 years before our current point in history.

J. H. Christos at the invention of the Quantum Recursion Dorm.
J. H. Christos at the invention of the Quantum Recursion Dorm.

Unable to return to his own time he ended up leading the life of a simple carpenter, his advanced knowledge and few scraps of technology pulled through with him however, radically set him apart from others, seeing him revered by a small band of followers and the beginnings of the cult that would eventually become the religion of cross-fit… or something, that’s not really the important part anyway.

J.H.Christos 20 years later or 2850 earlier... time is weird.
J.H.Christos 20 years later or 2850 earlier… time is weird.

It was when Jesus H. Christos first suggested to one of his closest followers, St.Peter Rabbit that he go forth and multiply that things got complicated. St.Peter Rabbit was…. um…. adventurous, in his romances. he was purportedly responsible for several successful cross species pairings; there have been many documented sightings of his descendants alive today for example, lending credibility to the more hare-raising aspects of the story of Easter.

Here is one of the last documented Jackalopes before they went extinct in the 1950s.
Here is one of the last documented Jackalopes before they went extinct in the 1950s.

he eventually came to earn the affections of a chicken. This fateful pairing almost spelled the kiss of death for humanity, for when the eggs were laid they were brightly coloured and brimming with evil. Unable to destroy their creation but too fearful and ashamed to keep them, the cross-species lovers hid their eggs in the woods. Should they have hatched these creatures would have had the power to jump over tall buildings, glide for miles and miles and level cities with their evil minds.

This is the sole living example of the abomination. Only 1 is allowed to be in existence by international law. It is kept in a high security facility in Cadbury's HQ and is the source of all cream eggs.
This is the sole living example of the abomination. Only oneĀ is allowed to be in existence at any given time by international law. It is kept in a high security facility in Cadbury’s HQ and is the source of all cream eggs.

Fortunately child protection laws were pretty lax back in the ‘0s and the forest was teeming with half feral delinquents, it was these grubby burdens on society that ultimately saved us all, gathering and devouring all of the brightly covered eggs (which were sweet to the taste).

Kid's back then were basically Hansel & Gretteled on a regualr basis.
Kid’s back then were basically Hansel & Gretteled on a regular basis.

That ladies and gentlemen is why why have Easter egg hunts to this day commemorating the absent minded heroism of these children and our own precarious position on the food chain, and also why we create and eat effigies of the chicken and rabbit.

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One thought on “A Demented Hermit’s Guide To Eastering

  • 28/04/2015 at 16:56
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    What a revelation to finally understand why we are all compelled to spend a small fortune on brightly coloured chocolate eggs once a year!

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